**NOTE: This article is written as a review for the jewelry from Precious Mammaries. I'm receiving no commission from this or any other article I've written for this business; I was sent the product to review it.**
As I mentioned in a previous article, I've been having some trouble with feeding my daughter. School, work, a business, and a lot of other issues (mainly with our doctor) almost ruined my ability to breastfeed anymore. I wanted to share a bit of an update on that battle and how things are going now.
May 9th. The day before my birthday. I sit in the WIC nutritionist's office, having our last appointment before moving. And I just agreed to supplement my daughter.
The consultant talks it over. No more meats. Less milk for me. No more fish. Blah blah blah.
We come home, mix the formula in with Lily's food and what's left of my breastmilk for the day. She does nothing but scream and try and break out of the chair.
Later that night, I sit in a cold bath of water and tears. I scream as quietly as I can, begging every goddess of motherhood to hear me and take pity. To will my breasts to make milk like they used to. When I'm done, I balance my chakras and go to sleep.
The next morning its not any easier. Jordan feeds Lily and I can ignore it for the time being. I try nursing her before nap time but Lily screams and rolls away. She doesn't want to latch.
Lunchtime comes and I sing a quiet song of health and growth as I try not to breathe in formula fumes. I shake the bottle, trying to break the powder down, and it does nothing but splash everywhere. I still put it in her cereal with a lowly half ounce of breastmilk and veggies and feed it to her.
Every scoop in her mouth is like a stab to the heart. My hand shakes harder as the bowl becomes emptier. Lily babbles and giggles. She eats it all gone, even smiling and slamming her hands on the tabletop. She's full for now.
Lily doesn't want hugs but I hold her as close as I can anyway. I cry and smile as she squeals "Da!" and plays peek-a-boo from behind my shoulder with her Daddy. My heart is breaking but it'll be okay. As long as my baby girl finally starts growing.
Motherhood isn't as magical as it should be. Silent battles are had everyday and they're closeted behind tears and smiles. I don't think I've stopped crying since I lost the battle yesterday.
I wish I could be the mother I wanted to be. But I'm trying to follow my own advice and listen to the Three of Swords: You need to accept the pain into your heart, grieve, and move on. Only then will you truly heal.
I'm trying. But this grieving isn't going to stop any time soon. Happy Birthday, me.
Fast forward a week-and-a-half; things are a little easier.
Lily's not fighting the formula as much; we really mix in the food and oatmeal to mask the taste.
I nurse her whenever she wakes up from a nap. Day by day it's getting harder to hold her for long periods of time. I'm hoping the means she's growing but we'll find out for sure at her check up next week with her new doctor.
I did receive my Precious Mammaries necklace in the mail this week and it's gorgeous. It came in a lovely, pink box with pretty packaging. I love how I can see the special imprint of my milk, specially made for my daughter in the necklace. I almost cried when I first saw it.
I feel that it's going to be a day-by-day battle with supplementing. Sometimes we don't get to be the parent(s) we aspire to be. We raise the bar so high and keep missing it.
But good enough is okay. Do everything I can to keep Lily growing is great. Even if it means she doesn't only eat from me.